SinfulSunday: Ladies Who Lunch

We don’t get out much, so it was beyond wonderful that we had lunch recently with (not of!) three of our favourite kinksters.

This was how Silverdrop prepared for it. Seriously.

Doesn’t she have the greatest butt ever?  OK, OK, I know I’m biased.

Clickety-click.

Lunch prep 2 Aug

Click below to see who else is being sinful this Sunday…

Sinful Sunday

SilverHubby and Silverdrop

Can You Train a Sub to Orgasm on Command?

Short answer: I have. I attempted it with three different subs over the years. I was successful with two – Silverdrop being one of them.

Oh, you want details?

The lovely Molly, of Molly’s Daily Kiss asked me to write this up after I mentioned it in part of our Kink and Disability series. And Silverdrop has decided to insert her own comments as I go.

Disclaimer and warning: Everyone is different. I do not claim this will always work. Also, I have only tried it on femsubs. (Silverdrop If you’re trying to do this with a penis-having sub, there will be the question of whether you want to (or can) separate orgasm from ejaculation. See google for more on that.) You, the Dom, will need to have patience. In my (limited) experience, the sub can be both excited and terrified by this concept – reassure her. There will be times when she fails to cum on command and showing disappointment would be a BadThing. (Silverdrop: It could pretty much kill the entire process. You are working on the idea that the sub wants to please the Dom. They aren’t failing just because the training is still ongoing!) Also, this training method has worked 2/3 times for me and my partners. You may need to work out something different.

I use the word ‘sub’ throughout because I have never attempted this with a bottom, vanilla partner, or Dom.  😉

This training is essentially Pavlovian in nature. You are trying to condition a response to your words. It all starts, as so many things do, with negotiation. Many kinky relationships include orgasm control but, in my (probably not very humble opinion) this needs more talking. For example, I told my sub what each stage of the training was going to be. This helped them to understand and, they told me, helped them comply. (Silverdrop: Make sure the negotiation is happening when everyone is clothed and as unaroused and “uncollared” as possible. If the sub has reservations, they should feel able to express them, rather than being in that ‘must please Dom’ place. Anyone who has difficulty orgasming should think carefully about adding this layer of complication, and decide for themselves.)

Choose your phrase. I use “Cum now!” usually spoken in the command voice. Sometimes I growl it in her ear, sometimes I whisper it when we’re out. Anyway, choose a phrase between you. We went for the obvious. Silverdrop says the phrase wouldn’t work if it wasn’t in my voice, but your sub might be different, and you probably don’t want (unintentional) accidents in the food store aisle. (Silverdrop: I can’t remember ever having the merest twitch from anyone else. There’s something about the intensity of his voice.)

Shall I start talking about the actual training now? I have teased you by burbling on about other things for long enough. Maybe. (Silverdrop: Yes!)

  1. Using your chosen method (probably not cunnilingus – you’re going to need your mouth LOL!), get your sub close to orgasm. Really close. Then tell her they have (I used) 10 seconds to cum, otherwise they are not allowed to. Then countdown out loud.
  2. If you see them about to cum before zero, say the words. If not, say them at zero. (Silverdrop: Or if it’s clear they aren’t going to come at zero, then tell them they aren’t allowed to now (orgasm denial was frequently a part of our sex play at the time then anyway), then carry on playing and return to step 1. I think the failure to come at 0 would be harder on the sub than the failure to hear the words. SilverDom disagrees. What do you think?) I think We both found it useful during these early stages, if I always said the phrase in the ‘command voice’. (Silverdrop: ALWAYS use the command voice during training!)
  3. Over time, and this can vary from minutes to weeks and many stops in between, shorten the countdown and/or their state of arousal before you start the countdown.
  4. With practice, and patience, the day should come (pun intentional) when you can order your sub to cum from ‘cold’ i.e. no previous sex play. (Silverdrop: I’m sure you didn’t forget to negotiate limits about when and where it’s okay to give these orders!)
  5. Reassure her if she is unable to cum on command. It is likely to happen from time to time. I had one sub who regarded it as a failure when she couldn’t, and needed reminding that it wasn’t. (Silverdrop: It isn’t a failure of obedience when the body fails! No matter what erotica fantasy might say, most people are not able to kneel on a hard floor for hours on end, or go from bondage virgin to trussed-up contortionist suspension acts in a naughty weekend. This is a thing your Dom is asking of you, but it’s also a think you are asking of your body. And your body might not be able to do it. If this is the case, be gentle with yourself. And if your Dom isn’t gentle with you as well, then consider whether your Dom is worthy of your trust!)
  6. Also, and do I really need to say this…. as the dom, you are taking on additional power and control with this, so use it wisely.

This did not work with one sub. She had too much life stuff going on, and was unable to focus on the training. In retrospect (because hindsight is always 20/20), I should not have tried.

You need to be aware that some medications can adversely effect a sub’s ability to orgasm at all, let alone on command. Some painkillers, and many anti-depressants have this effect – sometime to the point of anorgasmia (inability to orgasm). But you covered this during the negotiation stage, didn’t you? (Silverdrop: Don’t forget Menopause, Vaginismus, PCOS, Endometriosis, etc… and that’s just things happening directly to female bodied plumbing. Other health issues can affect this as well, such as Anxiety, Hypertension, or Depression. If you can’t come on command, back off from trying. If you can’t orgasm at all – see a doctor!)

I will close off with some brief snippets about how Silverdrop and I have experienced this.

  • We were in a trans-Atlantic LDR for almost 2 years when we first got together. I was able to train Silverdrop very quickly. So much so, I could get her to cum on the phone, or even by inserting the words in an e-mail. Note: this was the early 2000s – no Skype/Facetime/broadband. Also, huge phone bills. (Silverdrop: Dear Lord, the phone bills!)
  • I could growl “Cum now!” in her ear in public, from ‘cold’, and it almost always worked.
  • Protect The Property (PTP). This is a serious amount of power to have over a person. Use it with care. I do.
  • Things change over time, and they can effect this. In our case, it was becoming disabled and living with chronic pain and/or fatigue. I can no longer order Silverdrop from ‘cold’. She needs to be ‘warmed up’ with words and/or actions first. (Silverdrop: I used to be a gas oven that could be flipped on with a switch. Now I’m more like a fireplace – light the kindling, try and get the firewood to catch, keep tending it for the first hour or so to make sure it doesn’t go out…)

So that is our experience. Any questions/thoughts/rants?

Elust85

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Photo courtesy of Cheeky Minx

Welcome to Elust 85

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #86 Start with the rules, come back September 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Use
Hot
The Case of the Purloined Panties

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

The Inspection Zone
Date with prey

 

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Voyeur

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Erotic Fiction

Alleyway
After Dark
Night World Flash Fiction
THE PUNISHMENT ROOMS
HELPLESS, BOUND AND SUBJECT – Part 1
Temper temper
How to Start Super Sex
Nobody Comes Looking For Me
it was time to play

Erotic Non-Fiction

Cunnilingus. The Most Special Intimate Kiss
Nastya is nasty
“Do you want to cum in my mouth?” A Memoir
Humiliation: Raylene’s caning 2

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Come as you are…
A Case for Good Men
Changing Labels
10 Commandments of Courteous Casual Sex
The Aftermath
I miss you

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Formative Kink: “Tanya, the Lotus Eater”
At his feet
Consent In Gorean Culture

Body Talk and Sexual Health

Manicured

 

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SilverHubby and Silverdrop

Kink & Disability Part 2: Care and Feeding of the Dom Body

Part 1 can be found here.

Inspired by this post by Michael, in which he wrote from his perspective about caring for the Dom body.

I am assuming we can take as given things like water, paramedic scissors, straws etc. being available, okay?

Caring for the physical well-being of your sub/bottom is a subject I see written about often, as it should be. It was therefore refreshing to see Michael write about it from the other side of the slash. But what if, like me, you are a disabled SadoDom? Briefly: advanced osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia, asthma, living with chronic pain.

I am very good at reading my body and how it is from day-to-day. “You are very self-aware.” a doctor said to me recently.

I used to be mean and very accurate with a bullwhip. I’m talking taking the top layer off two-ply tissue off from 10 feet. I practised. A lot. No longer. My shoulder joints are shot, and that makes the overhand movement painful so, to PTP (Protect The Property), I don’t do it.

Floggers I can do, but not for extended periods of time. The repeated motions of my favourite figure-of-eight style eventually start to hurt me. Which is not the point, right? I also like the ‘flick’ style of throwing a flogger at my victim.

There are toys, such as the pin-wheel, that are little physical effort for me to use. This little beastie, for example…

This is a favourite – more for me than Silverdrop.

I like that toy. Probably more than Silverdrop does.  😉

My favourite play of all, not that I have to take care of my body, is verbal. I can weave a wonderful fantasy. I love to incorporate humiliation into it – if that’s your thing. Also, although I cannot use it as freely as I could years ago, I trained Silverdrop to come on command. Back when we were healthy I could, and did, use it anywhere, anytime. Now that she is physically weaker, i must use it with care, as there is a chance of it failing to work, and repeated failures would break the training altogether, as well as upset us both.

So what’s it like to play with me? Well, I’m glad you asked me that. There is a lot I can do, just not for extended periods of time if I want to PTP. So there are many different toys and implements involved in a typical session, so the mechanical effort my body exerts is spread around. There will also be a lot of verbal stuff, with much laughter at times. I will want to ensure you re enjoying yourself but, as a SadoDom, I’m also there to feed that part of my energy.

Wanna play?  😉

PS. This requires a follow-up regarding caring for a disabled sub/bottom, doesn’t it?

 

Kink and Disability Part 1: Some Background

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SilverHubby and Silverdrop

Kink and Disability Part 1: Some Background

Did you know that people with disabilities have a sex life? Many people assume they do not. Shockingly, it is sometimes medical professionals (and other ‘caring’ professions) who make that assumption. This is so disheartening, and it infuriates us. As I was taught in the Air Force: Assume makes an ASS out of U and ME.

We are both disabled. We have sex. Whenever we are able.

Silverdrop is a wheelchair user who is otherwise bed-bound by severe fatigue and pain. I walk with a stick, as I have had osteoarthritis attacking me for more than 25 years now.

We were both able-bodied when we met almost 20 years ago. We soon found ourselves in a 24/7 BDSM relationship. For new blog readers: SilverDom is a dominant and sadist, Silverdrop is a submissive and masochist. We both also suffer from Fibromyalgia which, amongst other things, causes nerve endings to send the wrong messages. This is a huge problem when you want to beat a masochist.  *understatement alert*

The (sometimes extreme) nerve sensitivity caused by Fibro means that, over time, it has become almost impossible to do anything but the lightest of impact play with Silverdrop. I recently commissioned an extremely soft cat o’ many tail flogger from @HT_Honey (featured in a recent Sinful Sunday post). Still too much. 🙁

We recently got into a DM/e-mail conversation with a person about this subject. They were asking for any advice or experience we might have on the general subject of ill-health (or disability) and kink. Although in their case, the partner is healthier and less kinky. Below is an large part of our side of the exchange (somewhat edited) where we think about how to communicate our needs.

Note: We have anonymised the conversation to remove gender and other clues as to whom we were talking with.

Silverdom:

Most of our BDSM is now mental. I re-collar Silverdrop most nights when she’s OK, and say The Words that go with our collaring ceremony. We also do a lot of verbal BDSM. This is usually during sex, and often consists of humiliation stuff. Perhaps oddly, given what I’ve already said, we often have very rough sex, in terms of thrusting.

The spankings I can give her are purely symbolic, but they still matter to our dynamic.

My disabilities limit what I can do physically…. I can no longer wrestle her into submission, even if she could take it.

We are both hard wired into our BDSM. We have often said “BDSM is something we are, not something we do.”

Silverdrop, who is a plainer speaking ‘murrican than this Englishman, had words from her perspective:

For us, it’s all about communication. I tell him when things are too painful for me, or if they cause problems the next day – (the reason we had to give up impact play was because the fibro wouldn’t let the impact areas heal easily, even if it was a very light flogging.) He trusts me to tell him if my body or mind is not well, and I trust him to listen and understand.

We have our desire to protect each other (mostly me) pushing us apart sexually, but we have our obvious libido pushing us together. Having a vanilla partner (in your case) means they are getting a lot more of the desire to protect than any desire for kinky sex.

My advice is to sit them down and go over exactly how kinky sex might be impacted by your health. What might go wrong (be honest!), and what is most likely to happen. Then compare it to what happens if you *don’t* have kinky sex – THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!!

Make it clear that kinky sex is NOT something that you are willing to go without. When people become disabled, they have to give up things, one at a time, and there’s always something that is the last thing. People usually think of that ‘last thing’ being something like driving or walking, because they think of their independence, but driving or walking isn’t nearly as important as sex. If they think that sounds crazy, ask them if they’d rather have a lifetime driving ban, or permanently lose the ability to orgasm.

So there you have it, a small glimpse into our reality of trying to live as hard-wired kinksters around also living with chronic pain and other effects of our illnesses and disabilities. I apologise if I have shattered any illusions about our lifestyle.

This post is somewhat disjointed – not just because it is based on a conversations somewhere else. We could write so much more on this subject. Feel free to ask questions – we’ll answer anything – in comments. You might even trigger a further blog post.

 

A section of my denim jacket.

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SilverHubby shown at the waist, clothed, his hands holding a collar.

SinfulSunday: Above, With Rainbows

This may be the first time I have (sort of) followed the prompt. It’s ‘Above’. You have to make allowances for mostly-bedbound wheelchair users, right Molly.  😛

Edit: Actually, it’s ‘Below’ – I get so confused.

Silverdrop has pale, almost flawless skin – as some of you have commented on. I almost left this all in colour, but decided I preferred this version. I may use the full-colour one for another Sinful Sunday.

What do you think?

PS. I forgot to mention that the lovely rope flogger was made for us by the equally lovely @ht_honey

Clickety-click for turbo-nutter-bastard resolution.

Above, With Rainbows.

Click below to see who else is being sinful this Sunday…

Sinful Sunday