Short answer: I have. I attempted it with three different subs over the years. I was successful with two – Silverdrop being one of them.
Oh, you want details?
The lovely Molly, of Molly’s Daily Kiss asked me to write this up after I mentioned it in part of our Kink and Disability series. And Silverdrop has decided to insert her own comments as I go.
Disclaimer and warning: Everyone is different. I do not claim this will always work. Also, I have only tried it on femsubs. (Silverdrop If you’re trying to do this with a penis-having sub, there will be the question of whether you want to (or can) separate orgasm from ejaculation. See google for more on that.) You, the Dom, will need to have patience. In my (limited) experience, the sub can be both excited and terrified by this concept – reassure her. There will be times when she fails to cum on command and showing disappointment would be a BadThing. (Silverdrop: It could pretty much kill the entire process. You are working on the idea that the sub wants to please the Dom. They aren’t failing just because the training is still ongoing!) Also, this training method has worked 2/3 times for me and my partners. You may need to work out something different.
I use the word ‘sub’ throughout because I have never attempted this with a bottom, vanilla partner, or Dom. 😉
This training is essentially Pavlovian in nature. You are trying to condition a response to your words. It all starts, as so many things do, with negotiation. Many kinky relationships include orgasm control but, in my (probably not very humble opinion) this needs more talking. For example, I told my sub what each stage of the training was going to be. This helped them to understand and, they told me, helped them comply. (Silverdrop: Make sure the negotiation is happening when everyone is clothed and as unaroused and “uncollared” as possible. If the sub has reservations, they should feel able to express them, rather than being in that ‘must please Dom’ place. Anyone who has difficulty orgasming should think carefully about adding this layer of complication, and decide for themselves.)
Choose your phrase. I use “Cum now!” usually spoken in the command voice. Sometimes I growl it in her ear, sometimes I whisper it when we’re out. Anyway, choose a phrase between you. We went for the obvious. Silverdrop says the phrase wouldn’t work if it wasn’t in my voice, but your sub might be different, and you probably don’t want (unintentional) accidents in the food store aisle. (Silverdrop: I can’t remember ever having the merest twitch from anyone else. There’s something about the intensity of his voice.)
Shall I start talking about the actual training now? I have teased you by burbling on about other things for long enough. Maybe. (Silverdrop: Yes!)
- Using your chosen method (probably not cunnilingus – you’re going to need your mouth LOL!), get your sub close to orgasm. Really close. Then tell her they have (I used) 10 seconds to cum, otherwise they are not allowed to. Then countdown out loud.
- If you see them about to cum before zero, say the words. If not, say them at zero. (Silverdrop: Or if it’s clear they aren’t going to come at zero, then tell them they aren’t allowed to now (orgasm denial was frequently a part of our sex play at the time then anyway), then carry on playing and return to step 1. I think the failure to come at 0 would be harder on the sub than the failure to hear the words. SilverDom disagrees. What do you think?) I think We both found it useful during these early stages, if I always said the phrase in the ‘command voice’. (Silverdrop: ALWAYS use the command voice during training!)
- Over time, and this can vary from minutes to weeks and many stops in between, shorten the countdown and/or their state of arousal before you start the countdown.
- With practice, and patience, the day should come (pun intentional) when you can order your sub to cum from ‘cold’ i.e. no previous sex play. (Silverdrop: I’m sure you didn’t forget to negotiate limits about when and where it’s okay to give these orders!)
- Reassure her if she is unable to cum on command. It is likely to happen from time to time. I had one sub who regarded it as a failure when she couldn’t, and needed reminding that it wasn’t. (Silverdrop: It isn’t a failure of obedience when the body fails! No matter what erotica fantasy might say, most people are not able to kneel on a hard floor for hours on end, or go from bondage virgin to trussed-up contortionist suspension acts in a naughty weekend. This is a thing your Dom is asking of you, but it’s also a think you are asking of your body. And your body might not be able to do it. If this is the case, be gentle with yourself. And if your Dom isn’t gentle with you as well, then consider whether your Dom is worthy of your trust!)
- Also, and do I really need to say this…. as the dom, you are taking on additional power and control with this, so use it wisely.
This did not work with one sub. She had too much life stuff going on, and was unable to focus on the training. In retrospect (because hindsight is always 20/20), I should not have tried.
You need to be aware that some medications can adversely effect a sub’s ability to orgasm at all, let alone on command. Some painkillers, and many anti-depressants have this effect – sometime to the point of anorgasmia (inability to orgasm). But you covered this during the negotiation stage, didn’t you? (Silverdrop: Don’t forget Menopause, Vaginismus, PCOS, Endometriosis, etc… and that’s just things happening directly to female bodied plumbing. Other health issues can affect this as well, such as Anxiety, Hypertension, or Depression. If you can’t come on command, back off from trying. If you can’t orgasm at all – see a doctor!)
I will close off with some brief snippets about how Silverdrop and I have experienced this.
- We were in a trans-Atlantic LDR for almost 2 years when we first got together. I was able to train Silverdrop very quickly. So much so, I could get her to cum on the phone, or even by inserting the words in an e-mail. Note: this was the early 2000s – no Skype/Facetime/broadband. Also, huge phone bills. (Silverdrop: Dear Lord, the phone bills!)
- I could growl “Cum now!” in her ear in public, from ‘cold’, and it almost always worked.
- Protect The Property (PTP). This is a serious amount of power to have over a person. Use it with care. I do.
- Things change over time, and they can effect this. In our case, it was becoming disabled and living with chronic pain and/or fatigue. I can no longer order Silverdrop from ‘cold’. She needs to be ‘warmed up’ with words and/or actions first. (Silverdrop: I used to be a gas oven that could be flipped on with a switch. Now I’m more like a fireplace – light the kindling, try and get the firewood to catch, keep tending it for the first hour or so to make sure it doesn’t go out…)
So that is our experience. Any questions/thoughts/rants?