We have written recently about how having less power makes it harder to give it to another via submission. On Sunday night, we played with me collared and cuffed, after having discussed where we are for most of the preceding two days. I went deeper into subspace than I’ve been for years – possibly as deep as I’ve ever been. This was something of a surprise to both of us, and a little bit scary, as we weren’t entirely prepared for it. In fact, we thought I might have trouble diving.
So I asked SilverHubby about it, and this is what he said …
So, Sunday night. The physical details of the actual sex we had are completely irrelevant to what happened, I think. It seemed more to be caused by our mind states, coupled with the fact that we had been discussing our dynamic in person and here for several days.
You have been experiencing difficulty with your submission because of your health (see here and here), so your deep dive on Sunday night was not something either of us was prepared for [understatement alert]. You went very deep – at least as deep as I’ve ever known you to go in ten years. I should have spotted what was happening right at the beginning of the scene when you lost all language and got a glazed look on your face.
You were collared and cuffed, but that was not unusual. I did use the flogger on you for a little while, and I spanked you. That is the first time in a while we have done pain play. So that was different, but was after you had already lost language, so I don’t think the pain caused the dive.
Also, you squirted three times while I fucked you. You’ve done this before, rarely. The difference this time is that you’ve squirted every time we’ve had penetrative sex since Sunday (gee, our readers are going to think that we have alot of sex as it’s only 3 days ago *grin*).
It took multiple attempts for me to call you back afterwards, as you kept falling back into deep subspace. I could see a little fear in your eyes at this – worried that you couldn’t get back. It was late at night, so I would have put you to bed if it had carried on, as that worked in the past. Our loyal reader might be amused to hear that it was you doing some ‘real life’ things (like clipping your toenails) that grounded you and brought you back.
We had both thought that the problem was likely to be that you wouldn’t be able to get into subspace. It never occurred to us that the exact opposite would happen! But it was wonderful, and made me a teensy bit wistful at the same time, because it was a taste of what we used to have, pre our joint disabilities.
Now our discussions have turned to how to do it again. How we will be more prepared and, most importantly of all, what we can do to up our active D/s time. We accept that it is unlikely that we will ever get back to 24/7, but collaring you a few days a week for a little while is the place we have agreed to start. And I/we will go slowly, carefully, because (new) beginnings are a delicate time.
So, new horizons. Or is that old horizons coming back? Or am I rambling again. Fuck, I love you so much!
Previous posts from So I asked SilverHubby here.
And now my thoughts on it.
I sank like a stone, and it was terrifying.
At first, it wasn’t. It felt like retreading old ground, familiar and safe. There is so much less we can do now, but that made little difference to the way the dynamic felt. It was only when it was over that I started to realize that he didn’t know the state I was in.
I think subspace does the same things to the brain that a hypnotic state does. I knew there were things that needed to be done (collar and cuffs removed, cleanup, going to the loo, getting dressed for bed, and so on). But I couldn’t speak or move. I could barely even think coherently. I may have been thinking in visuals instead of in words. I had some access to the language centres of my brain. I could understand what SilverHubby was saying to me. But I couldn’t respond, except with whimpers, or sometimes, if I really concentrated, a yes or no shake of the head.
He said at one point, “The noises you’re making are beautiful, but they aren’t telling me what I need to know.” And that’s when I realized that he didn’t know what state I was in. I got scared, and I worked very very hard to get out the word ‘help’. He immediately looked concerned, and asked what was wrong. I don’t remember how I responded, but I must have gotten out a word or signal or something to tell him what was happening to me.
He called to me a few times. I started to surface, but I felt myself sinking again – as if there were weights on my feet pulling me down as I tried to swim for air. The first thing that helped was getting dressed. The second was cutting my toenails. It was a simple, concrete, completely physical and completely non-sexual activity to focus my attention on.
I find myself less optimistic than SilverHubby (which is pretty typical of us). I don’t think the fact that I sank so hard and fast is a sign that BDSM will get easier for us. There is part of me, I can feel, pulling back protectively and making “GO SLOW!” warning signs in my head.
Because I don’t want to lose myself, even temporarily, and I feel like I almost did that night. I’m not strong enough to find my way back if I sink that deep again.
I think I need to stay in the shallow end of the BDSM pool for a while.