Answering Molly: SilverHubby’s views on what submission means to Silverdrop

Molly asked a set of questions in her post Question Time. As I was reading my answers to SilverHubby, he had enough opinions on some of my answers to warrant his own post. So I asked SilverHubby…

What are top 5 6 myths/beliefs you would like to dispel about submissive women people?

  1. Submissives are weak. In my experience, this is a relatively common misconception among the non-kinky community and, sadly, among a tiny minority of the community.  Some of the strongest women (and men) I have ever known have been submissive, including Silverdrop.Even though her ability to submit to me 24/7 (which is what we used to have) has been taken by her health, she remains submissive and strong.
  2. Dominants control every encounter and/or relationship. Oh, please!  As a dominant, I feel I have nothing more than potential control during the negotiation period. That is, when we talk about expectations, limits (hard and soft), safewords, etc. Once submission has been given and accepted, whether it is short-term for a scene only or long-term in a relationship, then in my opinion things change. I do not believe “Dominants control every encounter and/or relationship”. Encounters… for the duration of an encounter (which could be a one-off or part of a relationship that is not 24/7), I think the dominant is responsible for controlling everything, unless the submissive uses their safeword or other signal that indicates need to slow down. In a long-term relationship it gets more complicated. 
  3. A true submissive would never use a safeword or You can rely on a submissive to use their safeword if they need to. It is dangerous to rely completely on a submissive being able to use their safeword, because they may have gone so deep into subspace that they have no language – no words. A safeword does not absolve a dominant of responsibility for observing their submissive closely and taking care of their safety.  As for a ‘true submissive’ – this smacks of the OneTrueWay school of thought, which I consder dangerous and despise. 
  4. Safewords are only for submissives.  Err, I don’t think so.  I don’t have a safeword and, while I personally know of no Dominants that do, some might.  However, I can, and have, ended scenes prematurely either because I think something’s wrong with the sub, or because something’s wrong with me.
  5. Submissives don’t believe in sexual equality.  Err, I’ve not met one who feels that way.  Sadly, I have met some non-kinky people who assume that is true.
  6. Submissives are victims of emotional or physical abuse by their dominant.  I think Silverdrop covered this. 

Bonus: What myths would you like to dispel about masochists?

  • All masochists eroticise pain. I have a former partner who was both a submissive and a masochist. Her submission was entirely sexual and erotic and she would endure pain for me during submissive scenes rather than because she got anything sexual out of it at all. Whereas, when I “topped” her, it was entirely about the endorphin rush of the brain’s pain response for her rather than anything sexual. A very obvious example being (and I checked), if I was only topping her, I could not recall her pussy ever getting wet.

In erotic fiction what are the most common ‘wrongs’ you come across that don’t work for you as a submissive woman person kinky reader?

  • Not understanding the difference between hard limits (no go) and softer limits that can be explored with negotiation and safety precautions in place (edge play). Edge play can be fun, but it should only be done after you know your play partner well. Maybe closing her eyes and going quiet means she’s really really into what’s happening, and maybe it means she’s trying not to have a complete emotional meltdown. That’s why edge play shouldn’t be on the table from the get-go, and only gradually introduced to a relationship in time. As for hard limits – they should be respected, full stop. Perhaps they’ll soften in time, but that doesn’t mean the dominant should try to add them in during an encounter. That is a Very Bad Sign.

 If you could ask a submissive woman person any question what would it be?

  • SilverHubby asks: “What do you mean, when you say you are a submissive?” This is one of the questions I always want an answer to when negotiating with a potential new playmate. It means different things to different people. Sometimes it’s used when someone is a masochist, bottom, or switch. Sometimes the extent of their submission is quite limited. Sometimes it’s very deep. All of these variations are okay, within the continuum, but the dominant needs to know these things before safe and enjoyable play can happen.

If you could ask ME any question what would it be?

  • SilverHubby asks: “When did you first know you were a submissive?”
  • Hmm … maybe I prefer Silverdrop’s question.  🙂

See Silverdrop’s responses to these questions here.

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    About silverdrop

    Silverdrop and SilverHubby are a middle aged married opposite-sex couple living in the UK. Silverdrop is gender-queer and SilverHubby is pansexual. We use this blog to talk about our sex lives (especially our fanaticism about anal and pegging), share erotic photos, and offer sex toy reviews. Our [sex isn't always great], mostly because of our health problems, but we always write honestly about it. Our kinks include BDSM, gender-play, pegging, roleplay, fantasy, and lots and lots of anal.