Molly asked a set of questions in her post Question Time, and I’m going to dedicate this post to answering them. She asked them about submissive women, but as I am gender-queer and sometimes roleplay as a submissive man, I answered them in the general.
What are top
5 6 myths/beliefs you would like to dispel about submissive women people?
- Submissives are weak. I’ve discovered the opposite to be true. Have you ever heard the term “power exchange” used in a bdsm context? A submissive has to have power in order to give it up. I used to be very intense in my submissiveness, but since I’ve become disabled, I find it more and more difficult. I have less power to give, and so I’m able to submit less.
- Dominants control every encounter and/or relationship. Until the submissive actually chooses to submit, there is no submission. If the submissive asks their dominant to slow down, or calls the safeword, the encounter ends. If the submissive withdraws their consent, then the encounter (or relationship, if they’re calling a halt to everything) is over.
- A true submissive would never use a safeword. This attitude is dangerous, because it suggests that a “true submissive” (and that phrase itself is a warning sign) shouldn’t have any limits at all, or that his/her dom should be able to read their mind and body language well enough that no limits will ever be crossed accidentally. If you need to safeword, then safeword! It’s far better to end a scene than to allow physical or emotional damage to yourself! And if the dominant is continuing a scene in good faith and finds out later that they’ve harmed you, then they’ll be emotionally harmed as well.
- Safewords are only for submissives. Dominants can call a halt to an encounter too. Of course, the dominant is more likely to say “I’m sorry, we have to stop” rather than use a literal “safeword”, as he/she won’t be in sub-space at the time. Maybe a role-play is becoming triggery for them. Maybe they just broke their whip hand when they drew back too far and slammed it into the door frame. Whatever the reason, no one should continue a scene when it has started harming them in some way.
- Submissives don’t believe in sexual equality. Unfortunately, there are some communities of D/s people who believe that female submissiveness is what is natural and right. And probably there are some male subs who believe that females are somehow higher beings. But most of us in the BDSM community are normal people who believe that people are people, male and female.
- Submissives are victims of emotional or physical abuse by their dominant. Sometimes, yes. Just as sometimes vanilla people are. But most of us in the BDSM community etc see above.
Bonus: What myths would you like to dispel about masochists?
- Masochists like any sort of pain. So so so so not true! Pain outside of an erotically charged experience is just pain. I have never heard of a masochist being able to eroticise a migraine or a stubbed toe. And since I’ve come down with fibromyalgia, I’m unable to participate in pain play at all.
As a submissive
woman person… use up to 5 words to describe you or your submission?
I could not think of how to answer this, so I asked SilverHubby…
- Pre-disability: Complete, Lifestyle (24/7), Sassy, Obedient, Loving
- Post-disability: Partial, Mostly sexual, Sassy, Rebellious, Loving
I think his answers are fairly accurate. And that is something we’re working through together – but it’s not easy.
In erotic fiction what are the most common ‘wrongs’ you come across that don’t work for you as a submissive
- When a submissive’s limits aren’t respected, but he/she ends up loving it. I’m sure you’ve seen stories where the submissive says ‘I can’t do x’ and as soon as they are tied up, the dominant forces x on them – sometimes with the poor submissive in tears begging for it not to happen. But then, magically, through the power of submission, it ends up being wonderful! Oh HELL no! If my limits aren’t respected, and my dom tries to cross those lines while I’m in subspace, that’s ABUSE.
- A dominant who doesn’t negotiate limits or rules, but imposes them. “As my slave, you will be expected to do x, y, and z. Sign this contract.” See anything wrong with this? How about the fact that the submissive had no input! Maybe the submissive can’t do z because of a health reason. Maybe they really really want to do w, but it was never put on the table because the dominant didn’t have it on their contract. Maybe sometimes y is okay, but sometimes not, because of emotional landmines, and this needs to be discussed.
- Crazy unrealistic stuff. Fantasy is okay. I’m willing to accept a lot. You tell me the whole adult population of a small town has a spanking festival every summer, I’m right there on board. But some things drop me right out of the story. Tying someone up in an impossible position that would sprain joints, tear muscles, and generally cause irreparable damage – and then leave them there for 24-48 hours or more. (I’m looking at you, “Erotic Adventures of Sleeping Beauty”!) Or the dominant forces his submissive to crawl on her knees in public through the neighbourhood or the grocery store, or some other space that’s not adult-only, and somehow no one calls the police! Things like this are story fail for me.
If you could ask a submissive
woman person any question what would it be?
- Silverdrop asks: “Have you ever felt like you couldn’t be submissive anymore, or to the same extent, and how did you deal with it when that happened?”
- SilverHubby asks: “And how did your dominant deal with it?”
If you could ask ME any question what would it be?
- Will you be our Valentine? 🙂
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