The female blogger Silverdrop, shown from shoulders to waist, nude, with her long brown hair covering her breasts.

Where we started from

Ooo and it’s alright and it’s comin’ ‘long
We got to get right back to where we started from

We used to be into pretty intense BDSM. I liked being caned. I liked it when it left marks. I liked it even when I hated it. I was into the 24/7 TPE (total power exchange) and everything it involved.

Then I fell ill and everything came to a screeching halt.

Fibromyalgia generally starts with a triggering event – an infection, an accident, a bad reaction to a chemical – something that looks like the normal ‘Oh crap, I’m going to be pretty bad off for a few days or weeks!’ It takes time to realize that the triggering event has ended, but the illness is still going on. Then it takes time after that for the actual diagnosis to come in.

So first, play came to a stop because I had what I thought was a bad flu. We’d start up again when I recovered, we thought. It was months and months before we learned it was fibromyalgia, and I probably wasn’t ever getting better. By that time, most of our kinky activity was fantasy only, because it was such a victory just to manage sex. Bondage? Kneeling? Pain play? Forget it.

Then as I slipped more and more into the role of a sick person, and SilverDom became more and more responsible for being my carer, we encountered another problem with power exchange. The sub/slave/bottom needs to have power before they can give it away. You can’t eroticise powerlessness if that’s where you started. That’s one reason (of many) that genuine slavery isn’t sexy. A book we’ve been reading recently called this the safety valve when referring to mindfuck play – a sliding mental state going from “I know I’m safe” to “But what if I’m not?” in the head of the bottom, allowing them to play on the edge of fear. With power exchange that “safe” setting is “I know we’re equals.

But what if we’re not? What if one of us is fully dependent on the other? What if one of us needs their food cut up, needs help getting bathed, needs help to dress, needs their wheelchair pushed? Can that person really surrender any more fully to their dominant?

There are many physical limitations in the way of enjoying BDSM the way we used to. Kneeling is a thing of the past. Sensory overload can be brutal. It would be impossible for me to endure the sort of bondage that holds me in a fixed position. But the emotional limitation was the most difficult. It may always be.

Finally, a few weeks ago, one of us said, “It’s like we’re beginners again,” and after that came the idea to buy a general kinky handbook to read together.

We’re making notes on how to re-introduce the dynamic into our relationship. We’ve started with a few minutes a day wearing a very light “collar” that’s really not much more than a leather thong necklace. I ordered some rope from Lovehoney, and I’m enjoying playing with it very much. Best of all, we’ve discovered that impact play – so long as we don’t overdo it, and make sure to use ALL sting and NO thud – is still possible.

It’s working. And it’s wonderful,

Love is good, love can be strong
We got to get right back to where we started from


This entry was posted in Archive, BDSM, Health, Relationships, Sex Talk, Uncategorized on by .

About silverdrop

Silverdrop and SilverHubby are a middle aged married opposite-sex couple living in the UK. Silverdrop is gender-queer and SilverHubby is pansexual. We use this blog to talk about our sex lives (especially our fanaticism about anal and pegging), share erotic photos, and offer sex toy reviews. Our [sex isn't always great], mostly because of our health problems, but we always write honestly about it. Our kinks include BDSM, gender-play, pegging, roleplay, fantasy, and lots and lots of anal.

42 thoughts on “Where we started from

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  6. Secretly Sensuous

    This is a major reason why thus far I’ve only been able to do fantasy rather than physical. Thank you for wording it so beautifully, and I’m so glad you’re rediscovering a way to make it work for you!

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  40. Malflic

    You guys constantly amaze me! I love that you continue to be so committed to each other and always find a way to make your kinks work for you in one way or another. It really is very inspiring.

  41. Marie Rebelle

    I admire the two of you so much, the way you live with your handicaps and the way you always find something positive to focus on!

    Rebel xox

  42. Michael Samadhi

    My Serafina has struggled with Fibromyalgia, so we have some experience making accommodations for the disease. We are happy to hear that you are also finding a “work around” for the disease!

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