SilverHubby shown at the waist, clothed, his hands holding a collar.

WickedWednesday: Nothing to see here. Move along now.

Ah shame, I know knew your name, old friend enemy.

I grew up in a house where everything not ‘normal’ was expected to be hidden. What do I mean by that? Things that were expected to be hidden from the all-seeing “they” were strong emotions at both ends of the scale i.e. from anger to love. Any problems, big or small, were to be kept quiet about, lest “they” find out. A front of happiness should be kept up at all times. The thing was, this was expected inside the house (it was never a home to me), not just in public.

Consequently, I was in some ways even more fucked-up than the average teenager. I had the usual rampaging hormones and feelings, but was even less well equipped than most of my peers to deal with them. So I became ashamed of some of the things I was feeling.

Then something made the shame worse. At 15, I realised I was pretty much equally attracted to boys and girls. A short time later, all the many shades between boy and girl joined my mental list of desirables (remember, dear reader, that gender largely rests between the ears, not the legs). Soon after, I met my first boyfriend. I also met my first serious girlfriend around the same time. She was from the Indian subcontinent and her skin was almost ebony on colour. She was beautiful, and I think she may have been the first girl I loved. Then my parents met her. That was when I discovered my family were racists. More shame.

Shame barely begins to describe what I felt if I allowed myself to think about all this back then. So, mostly, I buried it. But it was like the bubble underneath the wallpaper. You can push it down, but unless you deal with it, it will just pop up again somewhere else.

It took me years to get straightened out. I self-identify as pansexual now and feel no shame about it. The old shame is like a memory of a memory now, almost gone. Almost.

 

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Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

5 thoughts on “WickedWednesday: Nothing to see here. Move along now.

  1. Mia Sinclair

    It is so difficult (if possible at all) to truly let go of shame that has been developed in childhood, no matter what the circumstance, in my humble opinion. Our adult being rationalises it but somehow that little kid still comes to the surface now and again to poke….

    ~Mia~ x

  2. Molly

    Almost indeed… I carried a lot of shame about my period for many years, like you it is mainly gone now… but sometimes in certain situations it will try to wiggle its way back in… so yes, almost is a good word for it

    mollyxxx

  3. Modesty Ablaze

    Yes, so wonderful that you were able to come through that and get to where you are. Your posts and photos always make me smile and feel good.
    And reading through stories and experiences such as yours (and others) makes me realise how lucky I have been, but also how warming and good it is to know that people can be strong enough to rise above those sort of pressures and influences. It does give one hope and belief that there are so many good and sensible people in the world, when often we only get presented with all the “bad news”.
    Xxx – K

  4. Penny

    I’m so sorry to hear about all of the shaming you encountered from your family growing up, that’s horrible. I’m also glad to hear you’ve managed to work through most of it and that you’re proud of who you are.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us!
    xxPenny

  5. Marie Rebelle

    It’s terrible how long things that you have experienced in your youth or have been taught (wrongly) in your youth can linger on into adulthood. My parents raised me with guilt. I always felt responsible for everything. Always felt guilty when something bad happened, even if I did not do it. So much so, that when something significant happens today and I am on my way to my mom, I am sometimes ‘afraid’ that she will scold me for it. She never does and I know it’s irrational of me, but it still sometimes happen.

    Good of you to not be ashamed anymore of who you are!

    Rebel xox

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