SilverHubby and Silverdrop

Kink and Disability Part 1: Some Background

Did you know that people with disabilities have a sex life? Many people assume they do not. Shockingly, it is sometimes medical professionals (and other ‘caring’ professions) who make that assumption. This is so disheartening, and it infuriates us. As I was taught in the Air Force: Assume makes an ASS out of U and ME.

We are both disabled. We have sex. Whenever we are able.

Silverdrop is a wheelchair user who is otherwise bed-bound by severe fatigue and pain. I walk with a stick, as I have had osteoarthritis attacking me for more than 25 years now.

We were both able-bodied when we met almost 20 years ago. We soon found ourselves in a 24/7 BDSM relationship. For new blog readers: SilverDom is a dominant and sadist, Silverdrop is a submissive and masochist. We both also suffer from Fibromyalgia which, amongst other things, causes nerve endings to send the wrong messages. This is a huge problem when you want to beat a masochist. Β *understatement alert*

The (sometimes extreme) nerve sensitivity caused by Fibro means that, over time, it has become almost impossible to do anything but the lightest of impact play with Silverdrop. I recently commissioned an extremely soft cat o’ many tail flogger from @HT_Honey (featured in a recent Sinful Sunday post). Still too much. πŸ™

We recently got into a DM/e-mail conversation with a person about this subject. They were asking for any advice or experience we might have on the general subject of ill-health (or disability) and kink. Although in their case, the partner is healthier and less kinky. Below is an large part of our side of the exchange (somewhat edited) where we think about how to communicate our needs.

Note: We have anonymised the conversation to remove gender and other clues as to whom we were talking with.

Silverdom:

Most of our BDSM is now mental. I re-collar Silverdrop most nights when she’s OK, and say The Words that go with our collaring ceremony. We also do a lot of verbal BDSM. This is usually during sex, and often consists of humiliation stuff.Β Perhaps oddly, given what I’ve already said, we often have very rough sex, in terms of thrusting.

The spankings I can give her are purely symbolic, but they still matter to our dynamic.

My disabilities limit what I can do physically…. I can no longer wrestle her into submission, even if she could take it.

We are both hard wired into our BDSM. We have often said “BDSM is something we are, not something we do.”

Silverdrop, who is a plainer speaking ‘murrican than this Englishman, had words from her perspective:

For us, it’s all about communication. I tell him when things are too painful for me, or if they cause problems the next day – (the reason we had to give up impact play was because the fibro wouldn’t let the impact areas heal easily, even if it was a very light flogging.) He trusts me to tell him if my body or mind is not well, and I trust him to listen and understand.

We have our desire to protect each other (mostly me) pushing us apart sexually, but we have our obvious libido pushing us together. Having a vanilla partner (in your case) means they are getting a lot more of the desire to protect than any desire for kinky sex.

My advice is to sit them down and go over exactly how kinky sex might be impacted by your health. What might go wrong (be honest!), and what is most likely to happen. Then compare it to what happens if you *don’t* have kinky sex – THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!!

Make it clear that kinky sex is NOT something that you are willing to go without. When people become disabled, they have to give up things, one at a time, and there’s always something that is the last thing. People usually think of that ‘last thing’ being something like driving or walking, because they think of their independence, but driving or walking isn’t nearly as important as sex. If they think that sounds crazy, ask them if they’d rather have a lifetime driving ban, or permanently lose the ability to orgasm.

So there you have it, a small glimpse into our reality of trying to live as hard-wired kinksters around also living with chronic pain and other effects of our illnesses and disabilities. I apologise if I have shattered any illusions about our lifestyle.

This post is somewhat disjointed – not just because it is based on a conversations somewhere else. We could write so much more on this subject. Feel free to ask questions – we’ll answer anything – in comments. You might even trigger a further blog post.

 

A section of my denim jacket.

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21 thoughts on “Kink and Disability Part 1: Some Background

  1. Vickie Brown

    I am so glad i found your blog, through the Sinful Sunday posts. I have been wanting to explore my kinkier side for a few years now. but have been apprehensive due to my size ( supersized woman here) and some physical limitations. You two give me hope! That exploring my kinks may be possible. If I can find the right person to help guide me. That I feel is my biggest hurdle, to find someone who can accept me body, mind and spirit.

    1. Rose Bliss

      I had the same things holding me back, Vickie. But now we know we all can enjoy the things we crave.

    2. SilverHubby Post author

      Hello, and a very warm welcome. We have become fat and disabled, while remaining attractive to each other, and outsiders. We wish you well in your journey, and be assured there are people out here who are interested in the person first.

  2. Bee

    We all grow and change as we age, our bodies and our minds deteriorate, some at a different rate and some more catastrophic than others. But it shows the strength of a partnership when you grow and adapt together.

    Definitely write more! It’s an important topic that often gets ignored. It’s people like you that provide inspiration and can help reduce some of the stigma or at least silence around such a difficult and complex subject.

  3. Simon

    I am a male submissive who has been disabled for all but 2 years of my life and kinky for almost as long. I may have been extremely lucky but I have virtually never experienced any kind of discrimination from fellow kinksters (not sure about that word). Yes sometimes people can be overly concerned about my welfare but certainly since I became more experienced and able to explain what I can and can’t do I haven’t really had a problem until recently. Now I am getting old and disabled and things I used to be able to do I can’t, for instance I can still touch my toes for a caning but have problems getting up afterwards, Also nothing annoys a Mistress who has spent ages tying you up in an aesthetically pleasing fashion than having to untie you because you have cramp, backache or even worse because you need to go to the loo ( a problem that has started to happen embarrassingly frequently). Fortunately I have an extremely understanding Mistress and when I do play with others they have always been understanding. People without disabilities however considerate often never really understand the difficulties disabled people can have even with fairly simple tasks and I can be just as guilty when it comes to disabilities other than my mobility problems such as deafness, blindness or mental health issues but pieces like this can only help understanding.

    1. SilverHubby Post author

      I am really happy that your experience has been so positive. πŸ™‚

      In general terms, it is our experience that this is a hidden, taboo, subject, and we think it needs more air time.

  4. Molly

    Write more! As you said in your tweet it is a hidden subject. Not only do people rarely write about it in a non fiction sense but it is rarely part of any fiction narrative either.

    Have you ever been to a Kink/fet club as disabled folk. I would love to hear about it if you have? Or even a munch?

    Mollyxxx

    1. SilverHubby Post author

      Nope. Unaware of any in our area, and FetLife is getting so icky now, neither of us is there. But you have a point.

      I may try my hand at some kinky fiction with disabled people in it.

  5. Rose Bliss

    This was great and I’m glad people are talking about it. I feel I often have a double whammy against me in the eyes of others… I’m not only partially disabled (bad leg due to a car accident and now use a cane, sadly, not the kind I want to use), but I am also old (65) and fat. It’s not just people with disabilities that are not ‘suppose’ to want and have sex (let alone kinky sex), but fat girls and old people aren’t either. How wrong they are on fronts.

    1. SilverHubby Post author

      We understand, I think. I am almost 56, Silverdrop is 44 – we are both fat. So yes, multiple reasons why ‘they’ think we don’t have an active sex life – or one at all.

      1. Rose Bliss

        It’s interesting that those who make those judgments don’t seem to realize that while they may be young now, time marches on and takes them with it.

        I was on one site where a young lady (okay, young to me.. she was 40) was laughing at the idea that old people (in their 60’s) would find any use for sex toys and kinky ideas…after all why would they want to have sex of any kind.

        I told her.. you better hope they do, because you are going to catch up with us sooner than you think. Do you seriously want to have sex over in 20 or so years?

        One of the sexiest Doms I know is 75.

        1. SilverHubby Post author

          A Dom who taught me much when I was first starting out, was 77 at the time. He was 86 when he died, and I miss him. He had a number of femsub play partners, from a broad age range. πŸ™‚

  6. Modesty Ablaze

    Wonderful post !!! . . . I’ve been visiting you for several years of course and always find your posts inspiring and fun (and that is meant as a compliment just in case it doesn’t read very well).
    But, on this occasion, I especially found Silverdrop’s words so moving and wonderful to read . . . so right . . . so . . . important!!!
    I’m on my own . . . but reading them out aloud as though I was trying to make more people hear them !!!
    Lovely !!!
    Xxx – K

  7. Haphney

    Great post. Such an important topic. With vanilla sex, I think it’s possible, with imagination and creativity, to get and give enjoyment no matter what the challenge. With kink it’s more difficult but no less important. The more open discussion, the better. You never know when you might have the answer or idea that someone else is looking for. I hope to see future posts on this topic. πŸ™‚

  8. eyee

    Kink is definitely what/who I am rather than what I do. You can do kink full clothed in a supermarket if you are both wired and connected that way and I agree, a lifetime ban on driving rather than one or orgasms please!

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